40-Year-Old Punks and 60-Year-Old Hippies by Commander Zero

First

Digging deeply in the couch cushions, trying to find change, the sounds of angry guitars echoing throughout the room, Mike thought of the Hobson’s choice that awaited him at the 7-Eleven should his mission prove successful: three frozen burritos or a six-pack of generic beer.

Last

Mike stared at the grave, the wind whistling through the bristles of his Dippity-Do’ed Mohawk, and he realized that there was only one way to say goodbye to his father: he lit a joint and smoked it to the very end, the roach burning his fingertips as he turned away to gather his jacket, the leather now frayed, cracked, discolored.

Fake bio: Commander Zero is affiliated with the McNugget Liberation Army, and is the author of the well-known self-help book, Put Down Your Books and Pick Up Your Clicker!: The Spirituality of Fast Food, Television, and Talk Radio.

Real bio: David Weiden teaches at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, and is the father of two toddlers, David and Sasha.